School Wars
by Spectrum51
Summary: It's the beginning of my new sophomore year in high school alongside my friends. When we discover who our teachers are for the year- and the principal- this get weird. Self insert, I don't own Star Wars, that belongs to George Lucas. (Note: Depending on possibly mild suggestive themes in the future, rating might go up.)
1. The dark side of math

You had you Barbie A-Cliques, your emos, your jocks, your street gangs, your mean girls, your punks, your nerds, your otakus.

And then you had me and my friends. The losers. Since we started high school last year, it had been that way. We were all losers in the midst of many students. Oh sure, the mean girls could mock the style of our girls, and the jocks could call Axel a "Weirdo wimp", but we had each other.

I was one third fanfiction writer, one third otaku, and one third straight A student. Ari was not a weirdo. He was random in a good way. Olivia and Natalie were fellow otaku fans, and Frieda or "Freddy" was a Five Nights at Freddy's fan.

It was the beginning of another year at high school. I was busy reading "Azumanga Daioh" at the bus stop and had gotten to a really funny comic, when something poked my shoulder.

"Poke," Natalie declared.

"Poke yourself," I retorted. Silence. "Another boring school year."

"Hey guys!" Olivia walked into the picture. I shut my book and waved to her.

"Well, three of us are here. What about Frieda, Ari, or Mackenzie?"

"Ari broke his alarm clock, the bus isn't working for Mackenzie and I don't know for Frieda."

"TOAAAAST!" A war cry pierced the air as the freshman girl attacked me in a hug.

"Nice to see we're at the same high school, Frieda," I said.

The bus finally came. We got on it, only to trip onto a full potato chip bag and send the chips as grenades for the hair of an A Clique girl. She picked up an open orange juice bottle and said,"Oops. Soo sorry about that. Here, let me help." Before I could get orange juiced, Olivia dragged me to our seat in the bus.

It wasn't until I was getting off the bus that I noticed the bus driver was very big. And hairy.

"Uh, bye."

"MWWWWWRHGAAAGH!" He said. I got out of the bus so surprised my eyes wanted to pop out of my head very badly. That was no ordinary bus driver. That was Chewbacca the Wookiee himself!

"Hey, did you see that? It was Chewbacca! He was driving the bus! And-"

"Who's Chewbacca?" Natalie asked.

"What kind of childhood did you have, not watching Star Wars? Chewbacca is the walking carpet with the sideways belt."

"Oh yeah..." Natalie scrunched her face up. "Anyway, let's see our classes: Well, first we have math, then... Huttese? Well, then we have P.E. and after that there's lunch, English, History of the Galaxy, science, and that's it."

"Hey, if Chewbacca was the bus driver, I think I know what might be happening pretty soon."

We walked into the sterile math class. Everything was practically immaculate, and made of either steel or black material. The desks were black chairs with steel desks, and on the glistening whiteboard was some weird metal tube with buttons on it.

At that point, I heard heavy breathing outside the classroom.

"*Hhk* I do not see fit to teach what I already know to a room full of amateurs!"

I knew who the math teacher was before he even walked in. So I leaned over to Ari and hissed,"Our math teacher is Darth Vader so you might want to warn the other kids." Ari stared at me. And then laughed.

"Alright, I'll do it for you," he chuckled. He stood on top of a desk and started yelling.

"UH, HI. HEY, DID YOU KNOW OUR MATH TEACHER WILL BE DARTH VADER FROM STAR WARS? THAT GUY? OKAY. WELL, HE SEEMS TO BE IN A BAD MOOD, SO DON'T-"

"Don't what?" A scratchy, authoritative voice questioned. Ari looked behind him to face the Sith Lord himself. He stared at everyone, giving a "help me please" look.

"D-don't disobey you, o-of course," he squeaked out.

"Hmm."

"That's what I really was trying to say!" Ari said. Vader seemed doubtful, well he would look doubtful if he wasn't wearing a mask. "Yeah!" He looked around and a jock gave him a look that said,"Sorry, bro, you're on your own."

The first ten minutes of class were Vader and Ari staring at each other. I prayed to the lord that Ari would not say that Vader blinked.

"We will continue to the lesson as I had planned." Vader sat down at a desk. "Admiral!" He barked. "Pass out the math sheets." The admiral entered and passed out sheets for us to do.

Vader taught us advanced algebra, I didn't understand some parts but I did the sheet anyway- half because I eventually understood the material and half because I didn't want a force choke.

"Lord Vader?" One of the Barbies raised a hand. Oh god, this was going to end badly if it was about the not homework thing. "You said in he beginning of class that if we didn't finish the sheet in class it would be homework?"

"Precisely."

"Well... I have a party to do and even though it's close to the end of class, I don't want to-"

"EITHER FINISH THE SHEET OR DO IT FOR HOMEWORK! NO EXCEPTIONS!" The girl paled and wrapped her fingers around her throat as Vader locked her in a Force grip. She gagged, whimpering and gulping desperately for air.

"I... Will... Do the sheet... For homework..." She said. Vader began to release the choke and added,"Every problem should be done CORRECTLY to ensure that this will not happen again. Understood, Alex?"

"U-understood." Her choke was released completely and she collapsed onto the desk.

"I expect that should teach a lesson to the other students here." The bell rang and I sped out of the classroom as fast as I could.

"That was-"

"Terrifying," Natalie finished for me. "That Darth Vader is sadistic." A familiar Botoxed face pushed past Natalie and to me.

"Hey, could you help me on math?" I shuddered, almost crushing my binder to death. If Vader found out I helped- Well I'd be dead.

Besides, why should I help her? She was the one who criticized me and my friends for our style in clothing.

 ** _Anger will lead to the dark side_** , a voice reminded me in my head.

 _Uh, dude, why are you talking to me?_ I asked mentally. _Is this some sort of joke?_

Well, our next class was Huttese. Our teacher was not Vader, but what happened was a little unexpected...

To be continued in the next chapter.

 **A/N: I must apologize for the awful sucky-ness of the pilot chapter. It's stupid, but I want to continue. Like Naruto,"I will never go back because that is my nindo way!" Or was it ninja... Anyway, see you in the next chapter.**

Next chapter: The Fangirl Menace


	2. The Fangirl Menace

We filed into Huttese class, waiting for the teacher. Guess who walked in?

Well, more like slithered in. Then again, sorta walked in because there were two. The answer was Jabba the Hutt, the oversized slug without the slimy antennae.

"Yabee doth bu koo hou see kulkee, veee. Babatpiuh wahca mo Jee hatkocanh baah uba bai bu _Sarlaac_ _pitt_." Jabba said. (1)

"What does that mean?" I scratched my head. "Oh, yeah- behave or I'll toss you in the Sarlaac Pitt."

"Che tee koo bonee, jeejee hatkocanh dopeha cay doyoee Ihocokepa," Jabba said. (2)

One particularly ignorant student asked,"Are you a slug?" Wrong thing to say, because Salacious Crumb did the high pitched laugh not too far off from Golem's.

"Dude, he's not a slug. He's a HUTT. Get. It. Right," I facepalmed.

"Don't look at me because I don't watch Star Trek."

"Star WARS! Wars, not Trek! Again with the ignorance!" I admit: I was definitely being too hard on the student, and while I was lecturing (read: yelling) about the fine distinguishing of Star Wars and Star Trek-"The aforementioned is superior!" I didn't notice the majority of the girls in the other class (They had windows so you could see what was going on.) beginning to stare at Han. Then they started to smile- the trademark fangirl smile, that starts out as a small look of pleasure and gradually turns into a slightly sadistic grin of ecstasy.

Then one girl started making kissy faces at him, while another began to emit hyena giggles. Han let out a nervous chuckle, almost snarky. I say almost because you could detect his rising anxiety.

"H-hey. Calm down!" One girl let out extra long squeals, and at the second squeal I turned to look.

I was about to say some random and stupid remark, when one girl let out a shriek out excitement and glomped Han. He wriggled out of her grip and sprinted into the hall, which led the fangirls in our room to scream and flood out of the classroom after him. Jabba was grumbling a little,"Wonkee doth pongua Solo her camiuoy cay bu bengahena?"(3)

All the males in the class were staring wide eyed at what had just happened. I tugged on a random guy's cobalt blue hoodie and said,"We have to go after those girls!"

"Are you kidding me?" He drew away sharply. "Why would I do that? I mean sure, Han Solo's awesome and stuff, but I don't want to end up mauled."

"If Han Solo's really that awesome, then perhaps you'd actually help him and save his skin. You have no idea how lucky you are to have this guy alive and teaching Huttese class."

"I still don't want to die!" I starting dragging the kid towards the door.

"You won't die! They view you as inferior to Han, so you won't die!"

"Excuse me?" The boy snapped, everyone left in the classroom staring at us. "Did you just call me ugly?"

"I did, because you are, you idiot!" I hollered. "You're also stupid!"

"You're whiny!"

"You're a bully!"

"So are you, but you're worse!"

"You smell gross, like month old pizza!"

"Oh yeah? Well, you smell worse, like-like- month old Snickers!"

"That's not even an insult! Chocolate doesn't smell, unlike you!"

"Oh yeah? Well-"

"ENOUGH!" A black boy bellowed. "Evan and Iliana, just shut up! We need to think." Evan visibly calmed down, brushing black hair away from his forehead and closing his eyes. I dug my nails into my notebook, leaving small curved marks on it as I fixed my glasses.

"Wait," the boy declared. "I have an idea." A smile began to form on his face, showing off his pearly white teeth. "You know Twlight?"

"Meh, I don't really care for Twilight. I just want to be left out of it." Evan raised his hand. declaring,"Same here."

"Well, those fangirls of Edward and Jacob split up into teams and scream stuff like 'TEAM EDWARD'!"

"Ohohohoho~… now I see where you're going," Evan said. "You're thinking-"

"We could cause rivalry between Team Han and Team Luke?" I raised my hand and began jumping around in the air.

"I want to lead Team Luke! I want to lead Team Luke!"

"Go ahead, nothing's wrong with it." The boy said. "By the way- my name's Tony."

"Iliana."

"Weird. But good weird." We were heading out the door, the rest of the boys flipping through their textbooks when Jabba blocked the door with his rotund (And reptilian) self.

"Tee hee stafa." (4). Tony bit his lip a little too hard when thinking about detouring Jabba, causing some blood to draw.

"Hey look! A distraction!" Evan pointed over to the window as Jabba moved over a little bit, but it was enough time for us to get out of the class.

I had brought my electric blue highlighter with me, so I made a streak on each cheek- "You know, for Team Luke"- and we looked around for the fangirls.

It wasn't that hard because we could hear their ear shattering shrieks from as far as China. Fortunately for us, they weren't in China and just down the hall.

They were clamoring over poor Han, who was backing up against the wall. I took my pen and poked one girl in the shoulder.

"Who's the cutie with the blue hood? Your BOYFRIEND?" She smirked. My face turned tomato red.

"Shut up!"

"Who's the other guy there? Your other boyfriend?" The redheaded girl made a face. "That's not just right, you're such a (Word I cannot say in a K+ fic because I will get reported like I did one time but that was a while ago." This was maddening. I was twitching and blinking, so I shouted as loud as I could,"TEAM LUKE!"

A couple of the girls turned to look. They both scattered towards me, and then the other girls yelled,"NO! TEAM HAN!"

"TEAM LUKE! D(Other word I cannot say) SEXAY JEDI MASTER FOREVER!"

"NO! TEAM HAN!" The fangirls, distracted, flew away from Han and surged towards my meager army of Luke fans. We sprinted down the hall and into the lunch room, crashing into R2 D2.

"Beep!" He complained as we hid under the tables. By that, I mean not on the floor, but we clung to underneath the table and stretched ourselves across. Team Han poured into the cafeteria, only to find that the band of Team Luke rebels had disappeared. They checked the whole area, except for under the tables.

After we were sure they were gone, the three of us fell from under said tables and checked for our next classes.

"Hey! Where did Evan and Tony go?"

"Yo." Evan stepped out from the other door of the cafeteria. "We made a wrong turn."

"Welp," I shrugged, "Back to class."

"Back to class." My next class was gym. You would think that it would finally be a normal class, but you ain't seen nothing yet.

Next chapter: The Fangirl Menace Part 2


	3. The Fangirl Menace- Part II

In the girls' locker room, I ran into one of my old friends Noe. I was busy telling her a story- about what would happen if the earth stopped spinning but the atmosphere retained its velocity.

"So basically, you'd survive if you had some sort of really really strong bunker. There's a cartoon of that in the book. So the dad is reading a book to his kid while he puts him to bed, and it's: 'And then the 92nd little pig built his house out of depleted uranium. And the wolf was like'"- I put on a fake serious face- "'Dude.'"

Noe let out some muffled laughter and stared at the clock. "Oh no, we're gonna be late to gym class! I hope our teacher isn't Boba Fett, because if he is we are dead." She dragged me off to the gym.

We finally reached the gym a whisker before 11:42 and breathed out a sigh of relief. It wasn't until the teacher walked in that the second but miniature fangirl menace began.

Yep, it was Luke Skywalker. No wonder I was rooting for Team Luke, I was a true fangirl. My eyes got all large and shiny and I began to drool. My brain was void of all thoughts except for what was in front of me.

I was turning into a zombie fangirl.

Since it was our first day and we wouldn't begin Jedi training until the next time we had Phys Ed, we had free play. I was still drooling when Noe pulled me away.

"You've been staring like that the whole time," she said.

"Braaaains... No, not brains... Senpaiiiii..." The slobber was falling onto my shirt now. "Must... Glomp... Lukie Senpai..."

Noe grabbed my wrist and tugged me away, but it was spittle too hard because I popped out of my shoe.

"Ow." I was still in drooling fangirl mode when Noe helped me up. I stared across the gym the whole time until-

BONK! A basketball landed on my head. It was Natalie who was saying something about a mini girls versus boys game that I should play with. I zombie walked right past them, mumbling,"Need... To..."

I started running around the gym at top speed yelling,"WOOT WOOT!" I didn't scream my head off though except for the "Woot Woot" part. Then I rammed into the closed door.

"Ow." Natalie dragged me away and pulled out some duct tape. How she even got ahold of that thing, the world will never know. She tore off two pieces and put some on my wrists, not sticking the ends together. She dragged me even further away to the bench, where she had my arms duct taped to the bench.

"That should prevent any glomping in the future," she said, dusting her hands.

"Senpaiiiiiii..." The saliva cascaded from my mouth and dribbled onto my lap. "Senpai..." I rocked back and forth on the bench.

Natalie patted my head and walked away. I just kept staring across the room, drooling. The fangirl within decided to take action and I tried to get the duct tape off.

"Aooow.. Ouchies." I was lifting my wrists up to try and rip off the duct tape. Noe saw what was happening and ripped off the tape, leaving red streaks across. She then replaced it with TWO layers of duct tape on each wrist.

"Try to snap out of it soon and it won't happen. This will be really awkward to explain..." She walked away to talk to Luke about this, and I think my slobber was dripping into my shoes.

Somehow, I managed to rip free of my duct tape confinement and raced towards Luke. I started running around the gym, again, preparing for a direct glomp assault. I was in a perfect position, ready to turn into a rabid fangirl, but it did not happen

It was Luke, he looked extremely confused.

"Are you okay?" I stood there in disbelief and nodded.

"Yes. Dandy. Good," I said.

"Okay, that's good because you didn't seem okay during class."

When I left the class, I sped down the hall, yelling,"OH MY GOD! HE TOUCHED MY SHOULDER AAAAAAAAAAHHEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

 **Ugh, I SUCK at this. Hopefully, Chapter 4 won't be as cringeworthy.**

 **To those of you who are confused, these characters are from only the 70s movies.**

 **Soo, yeah... I'm a Luke Skywalker fangirl and proud of it!**

Next Chapter: Battle of the lunch and recess


	4. Battle of the Lunch- AKA Operation Glomp

At my locker, I winked to Noe,"I hear that the teachers are allowed to use the same cafeteria."

"This will end very badly," she muttered. I took out my bright orange bento box and chopsticks.

We went to the cafeteria to where my usual group was: Natalie, Olivia, Ari, Mackenzie, and Frieda.

We introduced each other when Noe noticed me drooling again.

"Eat the rice balls... Eat the delicious bento thingamabobs." I was still drooling.

"Must glomp.." I got up and started walking towards the table but Noe grabbed my wrist.

"Sit down!" she hissed.

"Noooo… Lukie-Senpai…" Noe drew her hand away when I drooled on her, causing her tray to flip and crash onto the floor.

"Well, screw you, hand." She pushed up her thin framed glasses and frowned.

The voice in my head said, Yes… Closer… Go ahead and attack young Skywalker… He is the object of your affection, after all.

Well, I missed because he was waiting on the lunch line, but when he came back to the table I started spazzing out in a moment of fangirly-ness.

"AAAYEEEEEGHHH! IT'S YOU!" I started chasing the poor guy around the cafeteria. Too bad, because Luke was pretty fast. Someone threw a chocolate bar at me. I grabbed it, munching on it and slurring,"Thanks!" through a full mouth.

I finally cornered Luke near a table of juniors and attacked him in a ribcage crushing glomp, screaming my head off.

The chocolate bar that had been thrown at me had sparked the first flames of a food fight. Someone threw their pizza up into the air. A freshman started squirting ketchup into Evan's face. Noe and Frieda pelted cheese sticks at Mackenzie, who spewed the liquid from the juice box into someone's eye. Natalie threw cracker bombs. There was chaos everywhere.

"Ta-da!" Tony crowed, massaging a banana into Ari's hair, who shrieked at the discomfort, trying in vain to get it out. A boy named Mario and his twin sister Kia pelted Milky Way grenades at the seniors.

Noe ran away from all the lunchroom chaos, trying to tog me off of Luke but I clung like a monkey to a palm tree. He stumbled around, but not for very long because I was crushing him. Noe tried to yank my hand away.

"Hmmmnf." His face was growing paler by the second. Noe panicked and decided that it was time to go random on the school. She stood on a bench and hollered,"I AM THE ONLY QUEEN OF KIT KATS AND… DISTRACTING STUFF! FEAR MEEE! COME TO ME, MY LOYAL KIT KATS!"

Kia scooped some pink frosting off her cupcake and smeared the excess pink frosting across her cheeks as war paint. She took ahold of my leg and after ten minutes, with a "pop" I flew off. She whacked me over the head with her lunchbox.

"B-but.. Senpai… Glomp…"

"Look. Everyone who has eaten a school lunch- and that's a lot of people- is under the mind control of Emperor Palpatine. Yoda and Obi-wan Kenobi have only two doses of the antidote, so we need to escape," Mario filled. "And yes, those under mind control include SENPAI," he smirked.

"I think I'll stay away for a while."

"Okay, here's the deal: Obi-wan and Yoda had their own lunches so it didn't happen, and they told us that the Pepperoni was planning on taking over the school. You, us, and your friends brought home lunch, but Palpatine tried to mind control you."

We tried to sneak out of the lunchroom, but Frieda accidentally slipped on a banana peel and caused a chain reaction: The banana was also underneath a broom, leading said broom to fall onto a nearby table and cause a stack of jukebox ammunition to crash forwards like a stack of dominos.

There was a silence and then one of the students screamed,"GET THEM!" Everyone started chasing after us, and we dove into the recess yard, thinking we were safe. Ari let out a sigh of relief, but that wasn't going to last for long.

A green laser almost sliced Mackenzie's head off, but she jumped backwards just in time and it just destroyed part of the soccer net. Soon, more green lasers were raining down on us. It was like a deadly game of "The floor is lava" because we were jumping around on our toes and acting like we had stubbed our toes on a fireplace. Tony looked up, and told us there were TIE fighters coming after us.

We ducked out of the recess yard, and Evan climbed over the wire fence, calling to us,"Come on!" We climbed after him, thumping onto the pavement and pulling each other up as the TIE fighters zoomed after us and rained more green lasers.

Tony yelled for us to follow him and we ran down the street, dodging cars and TIE fighters. We ducked behind a trashcan and held our breath.

As the TIE fighters scanned the area, we stood as still as possible, holding our breath. When they passed by, not noting anything out of the ordinary, we were safe.

"Where are we going?" I asked as Tony hauled us out from behind the trash cans.

"To my house." He beckoned for us to follow. We had no idea of what we were about to get into.

Some shiz was about to get real.


End file.
